Now that you've become President and an official resident of Washington,D.C., you'll be looking for another place to call your church home. It won't be easy, wherever you go it's going to be tough on the pastor and the congregation. Anything said from the pulpit will be scrutinized, and every utterance the pastor has made on video or in print will be gone through with a fine-tooth comb.
You don't need that kind of hassle. No, my friend, you need to just go a whole other route. No more shouting, no more histrionics, no more politicking from the pulpit.
May I suggest a lovely solution? The Episcopal Church. And no, I don't mean A.M.E. they're still a little loud. I mean the full-on candles, incense, altar boys and stained glass Anglican experience. It's been the default solution for "quietly political" Black folk for nearly two centuries now. The list of powerful and influential Episcopalians is miles long. You won't have to worry about militants, that just wouldn't be polite. Episcopalians don't agitate, they negotiate.
Here are a few more reasons:
1. Plenty of time for reflection. Unwarranted noises like hand-clapping and "Amen" are pretty much frowned upon. Episcopalians run things during the week; we want a nice nap, not a show. And anyway, if we wanted a show we'd
go see "Jersey Boys."
2. None of that pesky theology stuff. "Christ has died. Christ has risen. Christ will come again. Allelulia." That about sums it up. You can fake the rest.
3. Real wine. Nothing says communion like a tawny port.
4. Catholicism without the guilt. All the pomp and circumstance and none of the confession.
5. Good exercise. Kneel. Get up. Kneel. Get up. Kneel. Get back up again. Great training for basketball.
6. Ambiguity. Half the church wants gay priests, the other half doesn't. But people are way too polite to say which side they're on. You'll never have to decide. Perfect!
7. Nobody questions your faith. Most of us Episcopalians are borderline atheists hedging our bets just in case all that God stuff turns out to be true. Who are we to cast stones?
8. Flattery. The congregations are so old, you'll feel wonderful when the Senior Warden asks you to head up the new Youth Fellowship group - even though you're 46.
9. Fast services. 90 minutes -2 hours tops. You can hit the 8am mass and be back in time to pick up croissants, The New York Times and watch Meet the Press. Or better, get in 9 holes, hit the 10:30 service and still have friends over for brunch.
10. It's press-friendly. Juan Williams. Bernie Shaw. Clarence Page. Jack White. Carol Randolph. William Raspberry - and that s just at one church in DC.
11. History. 26.2% of all former presidents have been Episcopalian, despite only being 15% of the population. That's great company.
12. No fancy preachers. Father David wants to get paid how much? Fire him!
13. Only four required days of attendance. Show up more if you want, but remember these dates: Palm Sunday. Easter, Christmas Eve, Golf Outing. Other than that, send a check and you're good.
The Episcopal Church welcomes you.
Rather interesting that this satire is coming from Ebony Magazine. Read it all here.